Retainer: Always-On Biped SOC
24/7 monitoring for denim execution, khaki beacons, and sudden cargo-pocket C2. Alerts routed to webmaster@keshav.com because that is the only inbox we trust on this brochure.
Services
Remediation catalog
Scoped engagements for bipedal endpoints currently running unauthorized fabric.
| Service | What we do | Typical finding |
|---|---|---|
| Morning Persistence Scans | Boot-time fabric telemetry before coffee loads. | Waistband executes at T+0; user awareness at T+coffee. |
| Beltloop Autorun Removal | Enumerate and neutralize startup keys sold as belt hardware. | Seven autorun entries; belt optional, persistence not. |
| Pocket Payload Forensics | Recover, bag, and analyze lint ransomware samples. | Hands phished; keys not returned; lint refuses decrypt. |
| Zipper Backdoor Audits | Document unlogged access paths with metal pull-tabs. | No auth logs; occasional snag = denial of service. |
| Lateral Femur Containment Plans | Segment left/right trust boundaries; invent MFA for legs. | Bilateral worm; both sides already compromised. |
| Laundry Uninstall Truthing | Prove wash/dry cycles are fake removal + warm reinstall. | Dryer returns hardened binary; “fresh” is a lie. |
Tabletop: The Dryer Incident
Facilitated exercise where leadership discovers that “I washed them” is not an acceptable root-cause statement.
Purple-team: Pocket Phish Drill
We plant benign lint. You try not to lose your keys. Nobody wins. Reports are excellent.
Engagements are satirical. For real security work, hire a real firm. For jokes about pants-as-malware, you are already in the right place. Contact us.